a pathetic spectacle drenched in forget with a hint of child like innocence

never could one fault youth for feigning ignorance right?

oh but how hard it must be...torn between such polar opposites

never could a man know the difficulties of a blossoming rose pushing up to gain the favor of sunshine

what a dreary existence I lead shadowed forever by a complete lack of understanding

why ask so much, I hear through the garden.

why care so much, I scream in response.

oh so tainted are my thoughts, oh so ridiculous my requests.

silly me

I must want so much

so much time I require.

bull

planning a day meant for just us is like kicking the dirt and cursing the dust

what is a plan but a tiny wish, a hope for later, an expected kiss

it only will happen if things work out, if you leave it alone and quit messing about

why derail a train carrying yourself when it could be so nice to be by ourselves

wake in the morn to a bright perfect day rolling right over and kissing your face

all these dreams ripped at the seams with no silver lining to mend what this means

a poor decision indeed to make plans it would seem guess its not worth waking from sleep

its not that besting you really has anything to do you

no matter how many times we meet I will always want to win

it isn't to prove your inferiority but more my superiority in regards to everything

it is a drive that I can not deny, a way of life, a need, an uncontrollable urge to rise

I play and play and play not just for the love of the game but for the love of being the best

Good Morning

Rolling over I jump out of bed searching for the tune that was all night in my head

the beat was slow but the song was fast the words were muffled and from the past

scrambling with buttons and dials like a wild man in search of treasure

recalling beats, bridges, and versus measure by measure

I am frantic now and losing control like a beast is in my head tickling my soul

holding my thoughts hostage with with a fiddle made of gold

dangling a carrot from the end of a pole

on the tip of my tongue but just out of reach

thug life but poppa don't preach from here to the infirmary

shadow stabbing forgive and forget rock n roll all night benny and the jets

pretty girls make graves before you were punk idioteque

no no no none of it fits its all round when I am searching for square

I stare at the floor the ceiling my hands there's still nothing there

I am losing it now way to far gone but wait ...that melody that song

it catches me, cradling me like a newborn and brushing against my check

and just before the tempo begins to peek I remember the song and start tapping my feet

feeling the rhythm feeling the beat throwing on sneakers and hitting the street

moving my life day by day only asking that I hit play

to my immediate left and without a doubt

lies a magical thing, an always changing game

an infinite amount of variables mixed with a certainty only afforded to the few brave souls courageous enough to venture into its lair

you see the decision is the hard part

its a decision drenched in the past but yearning to dry into the future

an old wound in need of a suture a letter versus a computer each with its promise but only one leads me to her.

tonight she awoke as i climbed into bed

i was taken aback by the thing that she said

"are you ok?" not "turn out the light!"

loving words through disturbance in the night

even though she was completely at peace

when roused from that place buried in sleep

the chart topping hit was inspired by me

a tune unfamiliar but so sweet a melody

I reached for the laptop to share it with the

so please feel free to hum along

and if you feel so inspired go ahead sing along

do do do her feet cold as ice

follow it up with the beach boys wouldn't it be nice.

sipping my tea and staring out of the shop window I can easily see the sun shine and go dim

people walk by and a few stopping in

I have lots of time to think here and I enjoy it immensely as the hours pass by

time to think is the building block upon which the journey of healing begins

When I was a child my brother and I would walk in the woods for hours upon hours just enjoying the smells and sounds of all the living things never really understanding the magnitude of it all. I have not walked in the forest in over 10 years, if only I had known I might have sat a while and committed a little more to memory.

because you care

its not a question of preference or of personal comfort

people can not always agree and meet in the middle

it is not that a prize hangs in the balance or that a future is determined by such an act

it can not always be what we want it to be but it sometimes should

we do things for each other

we care for each other

we make decisions and internal compromises just because we care

she played magic and i rubbed her hair

she fell asleep and I thanked the heavens she was there

perception is reality

When I was eight years old my brother and I were fighting in our room. I had Danny pinned down on the bed and was punching him in the chest (I was a mean bastard but never did I wish to truly hurt my brother) when my father burst into the room. Dad was no doubt annoyed by the volume not the possible outcome of such horseplay. My father grabbed me by the legs and pulled me quite forcefully off of Danny, hoisting me into a reverse superman to land face first on the bedpost. The next day my dear brother told an epic tail of triumph over an elder foe in which he vanquished his brother with one mighty blow. All day I found myself at a lose to rebuke his testimony....you see I, by this time, had one heck of a shiner thanks to that vicious bedpost to the eye.

She gets tired after....

Putting in work.

The humpty dance is your chance so do the hump

new york sucks at night and the lights of buildings are not sunlight

at night the streets are dark and full of chemicals

oh but for the day...thats what i live for

in the day you can hold hands and show her that favorite building

in the day i can play soccer and get so tired i fall asleep in the park

but not the night

i cant sleep at night

the draw of black velvet sprinkled with white specks of paint

the night is a dangerous place ...a void of consciousness and etiquette

dark too dark

i think i will play in the sun

i will brush the dark dust that coats my skin and in the light begin again

moments later.....

the greatest salad I have ever made.

a little perfectly cooked chicken for the salad.

Yay farmers market!

Hard at work having fun!

With you I would watch a movie that never ends
A tub of popcorn with cheerios and butter
With you I would share laughs and winks and grins
A mind filled with thoughts and heart filled with flutters

Be well,
Ryan

you were asleep when i touched your cheek and and stroked your hair

you didn't make a peep when i pulled back the sheets and sat up to stare

you had no idea that i was alone even though you were there

but when I looked at you i couldn't be blue so i just smelled your hair

you made not a sound but breathed just so loud and my dreams were in there

my dreams in your breath in the heart in your chest

sleep tight lovely one and I'll do my best

my best to be me and help you be you so at the end of each day

we know we were true

true to me and true to you together doing the things we want to

ok...new chapter in life. Family 101.

despite my best efforts to alienate and anger everyone I have ever met, I have managed to inadvertently create some lasting friendships. i have also come full circle with a family I always thought never wanted me. In the past few months I have had a few wonderful encounters with my folks I never would have believed possible. i am getting to know my mother and father in new ways. I love them very much and only now, half way through my life, am i truly becoming proud to be me. This is what it feels like to be a part of a family....I like it.

Today my brother expressed his unhappiness with his life situation......this was the gist of my answer....

Life begins as a search to find what makes us happy but in the middle if we are paying attention

the focus shifts to others and trying to make them happy.

when we get it right we can do both.

It is possible to make a seamless transition into making yourself and those you care about happy after you find what makes you happy and share it with others. I have lived selfishly for far longer than I am proud of and now wish to give back. money, possessions, power...these come and go. The memories others keep of our actions can last forever. My brother is like me...more than I wish him to be. I hope with all my heart he is a faster learner than I was.

I hate hospital waiting rooms.

to wake in the morning to a piece of mind

a tender touch from a hand so kind

a caress on my sore back

a fresh cup of coffee and sweet words

what a beautiful start to a wondrous day

my only wish is to give it all back

to give the same feeling to her

the same joy the same touch

to let it be known it all means so much

Is it a bird, a plane.... It's Ryan in a strange jacket.

A narrow street in a small town winding down and curving around

the smell of fresh cut grass and summer time grills

relatives laughter and talk of old times

ice cold tea, bacon, and eggs, fried catfish and beer filled kegs

serenity mellow break time out relaxation.

You may be in the south if you see fried more than five times on the
menue... Yummy.

Lazy day in central park
children playing and parents frying
Sounds of domesticated squirrels and brave birds smell of dirty water
dogs

Your silence is so loud it keeps me from dreams and makes my every
breath seem like a scream
In my head I am playing out the talk we are not having
Carefully calculating outcomes and then changing variables to further
influence the intended results only to reach the same ends the same
sleepless ends
My eyes and heart grow heavier with each mock disscusion until I feel
I will fall through the bed and floor onto the hard concrete beneath
Oh to crushed by the weight of this and to find solice and sleep.

Be well,
Ryan

Through sleep covered eyes and dream stained cheeks my feverish mind
twists and turns gaining momentum with each passing foothold
each passing monument I recognize more and more where I have been and
grow more aware more sure more familiar and excited for what's to come
As if returning home after being gone too long and discovering
nothings changed it's still perfect

Be well,
Ryan

So today I purchased some serious chef knives... No really, these
things are so sharp they can cut tension. I am now and forever in love
with sharpness and will dedicate my life to the pursuit of edginess.

Ryan

fresh cut grass and fried bass with beer battered hush puppies and skynard on blast

a slice of heaven a piece of land a place to dip your toes in the sand

hot sun and coco butter bikini tops and hearts all a flutter

these are a few of my favorite things songs to sing and tire swings

I rolled over full of hope and feeling safe and warm with only a hint of uncertainty
I rolled over slightly afraid and child like
I rolled over slowly like youth at christmas time
I rolled over sure of something and unsure of other things
I rolled over wanting to share the morning and breakfast
I rolled over needing to say things I probably wouldnt have said
I rolled over but you were not in the bed

Death metal in thompkins square park hmmm.....

At work they asked us to help out with some charity work. They decided
on helping animal shelters with pet product donations A friend at work
said "let's look up the ugliest pets". I then proceeded to get carried
away. The end result terrified most of the staff. Enjoy.

The deed is done! I am almost officially stress free. Some folks have voiced concern in regards to my sanity given the severe change in tax bracket I am soon to experience. All I can say is that when I made the decision to move to NYC in the first place I did it with the same seemingly irrational determination. I decided to move to New York seven years ago on a whim having never even visited the place before. I made that wild move with one weeks notice hitching a ride with a friend. I stepped into my friends car holding two duffle bags and wearing flip flops in 80 degree Florida sunshine naively unaware of what was to come. Stepping out of the car I found myself in need of more suitable footwear as there was no longer sun but rather a curious white flakey mess known as snow surrounding my soon to be frost bitten toes. I didn't even own a scarf or heavy jacket until two days before my departure. I really had no idea what I was getting into. I had sold my truck to a friend for 800 dollars the week prior just to have any cash at all. If you live here I don't have to tell you that a measly 800 went fast. I had no job and no money. I was lucky in that my friend I hitched with was staying with his nephew in Queens and they agreed to loan me their couch for a few weeks. This was a one bedroom basement apartment with my friend, his boyfriend, his nephew and me...cozy. That is how it all began for me in the wondrous city, sharing a couch with a stranger kicking myself for not investing in real shoes and towing the line between excited and terrified.

Jason

My homey my dude through fist fights and feuds a surfing we will go

down and dirty now in our thirties with tides a running low

through waves of age and purple haze the years begin to show

as we have grown older we shared our shoulders through pains most will never know

and in the end I will be with you my friend and a surfing we will go

First day of my life....

Have you ever felt like you took a wrong turn? It's almost as if a current is pulling and we just follow without question...Well I am getting out of the water. I have decided not to allow my possessions to own me, not to let money and job dictate what my life is or is not. To quote the goonies "I am taking it back, I am taking them all back". I have also decided to document the journey and share it with the world (or at least the part that cares).

Following the rules living governed by fools only adds to liberties rust

with paper and pen did it all begin but now its turned to dust

green back dreams and triple beams the world is for the youth

read a paper watch the news and there in lies the proof

I place my heart upon my sleeve and venture forth free

the smell of salt the sound of waves pulls me to the sea